Thirty-One

Have you ever tried to tell your real life story. Truly, I think that Little House on the Prairie must have been a joke. How on earth did she remember all her life in all that detail? Okay wait back up.
So I had nothing to do in study hall today. An utter waste of time. Another one of those reasons that I hate Larkin. So I decided to get started on my book. I'm just focusing on one little aspect of the last year. At first I tried to write everything down in chronological order but then I would write something down and realized that I missed stuff or I should have put it in earlier. Or I couldn't figure out where on earth it went. When did this happen in relation to that? I just was so lost. How can something that has happened so recently be so hard to recollect? Oh I think I'm losing my mind. I just want to put together the pieces. It makes me so worried that if I can't remember the last year of my life at only seventeen, what will I remember when I'm old and gray?

Thirty

I guess you would say I'm sentimental.
For the first time in a long time I spent a weekend crying over things that well are just kind of sappy.

List of things I cried about:

• How much I love my siblings.
  
• Corny love songs.
  
• God.
• Seussical

Friday was Shannon's birthday and so we read the family journal. It's kind of our habit to read the journal on birthdays because we want to think back on how cute and funny we all were when we were little. Halfway through reading a story about Shannon, I just burst into tears. My mom looked over and was like what's wrong. I was like I miss being home with you all every day. The funny thing was that the next paragraph in the journal was talking about how we had been reading the journal and I started crying. I was like omw this is deja vu.

I was a great weekend. I just have to go to bed. So much I would like to write about right now. An outline for my book feels like something that can't be achieved as of now but I won't give up!

Twenty-Nine

A prayer

Dear Lord, I just am kind of lost right now. I know that I haven't been serving you whole heartedly lately but you say that you're always going to be there for me. Am I asking too much? Lord, my mom thinks she's seeing why You threw me into these new situations. She sees a purpose. I'm trying to view it from that perspective but it's so hard. That old me that has such an easy time putting a bad spin on things is trying to make me believe that nothing good can come and make me preamturely drown in sorrows. I guess I haven't quite given You a chance to do something big with my life. Maybe I'm scared. Take away my fear. Give me a fire for You that won't let me be afraid. I love you Lord. In Jesus' prescious name, Amen.

p.s. If you could give me some help with getting my locker open, that would be amazing! I don't know what kind of idiots but the lock on backwards but yeah... I happen to be one of them.

Twenty-Eight

Started school about two weeks ago. It feels so weird saying that. Last year my depression got really remarkably bad during the school year but I had such a bad summer that I thought that it must have been caused by that. It can't be now that I think about it because I am not myself right now and it's only been two weeks in. I wasn't even planning on being depressed although I'm not sure anybody does. That was a stupid thought. What's frustrating is that this was a great summer. I had to do math homework but I was happy. I don't want to whine and complain about myself, I guess I'm just confused how such dark feelings can wash over somebody so fast.

How does depression even work? How can feelings go away and a year later be so strong and horrible. Only God knows.

On a brighter subject trying to get down leet or hackerspeak? It makes me laugh because it's so confusing but oh well. Getting ready for school now. :( l!|= 5(_)[|25 ^5 0|= /\/()\/\/

Twenty-Seven

Well I started to write this awhile ago but I totally forgot about it. It just seemed like a good time to post it. This was written in August.

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Expectations are just so un-called for and yet I know that I can't live with out them. Sometimes my expectations are way too high. This summer I put up on a pedestal my social life thinking that that was what would save my summer of working and doing math homework but here I am still doing math and sitting at work and I haven't made plans with friends since I can't remember. It's not that I thought that I was going to spend all my time goofing off but I didn't think that by the end of summer I would have been dreading school so much because I never really got a break from it. Every day, I get up and do math or go to work. After work I do math until I'm so tired that I can't function and then I go back to bed. I'm not even getting that far in math. Adleast it doesn't feel like I'm getting far. I don't know if maybe I would have been more content if I hadn't expected to spend so much time doing things with friends but that seems like the only reasonable answer right now.

Other-times I feel like I push my self down. I could be reaching high to achieve great things but I spend or should I say waste my time. I spend hours on facebook or laying around reading books. I could be working for great causes but I don't know I just fail. I just hope that maybe eventually I can figure it all out. It won't be so frustrating to do the right thing, but who am I kidding, that's life!

Twenty-Six

Chelsea's Dictionary

Excusemuah- Excuse me, Pardon me, What the heck are you doing?

Ya'll- My attempt at a southern accent

Diyaknowhatimean?- Do you understand what I'm saying?

D-e-s-s-e-r-t- Don't let Shane know we're eating dessert after he goes to bed.

like- he said, she said

top model- a far off dream because i am not going to get taller... :(

so...- this is an awkward pause in conversation

There are probably are more but I don't know about them. I'm oblivious. :D

Twenty-Five

Hello Bloggies,

I do believe that this was the first day of the best summer of my life. If today was any indication of how the rest of the summer will be, it will be amazing! :) I even am a little sunburned on the top of my arms and my nose. Last night I went to a party with a bunch of my friends and we watched Beauty and the Beast. We did it in the winter so it was weird to watch it but it was so much fun. After that all of the girls went back to Lauren's house and we chatted all night long. Well I was up until 4 and then I totally crashed. I think the rest of the girls were up until 6. We woke up at 11:30 and had breakfast and straight after that we went to Dairy Queen. An hour after talking and ice cream all around we ordered slurpies. The promises of working out all summer makes it all okay though! Weasels, gossip, sidewalk chalk, energy drinks, cheesy goldfish, Youtube, boys, and true love are just the normal right? I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends. I really have to get back to studying for finals. I will be so happy once it is all over. Much to come once all the real fun starts.

Love, Chelsea